The Positive and Negative C’s of Islamic Parenting
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One of the greatest challenges a Muslim will ever face is being a parent. This is one challenge, however, many of us are very unprepared for.
Allah tells us in the Quran that our children are our trial and as such we should take the task of parenting seriously, and start learning from each other. In my experience in dealing with my own family and counseling other Muslim families, a model has developed based on what I call “The Positive and Negative C’s”. I pray to Allah that this humble contribution will help parents and children alike in diagnosing and repairing the health of their families.
Prophet Muhammad SAAW stated, “He is not of us who does not have compassion for his fellow beings”.
It is interesting to note that when it comes to a hadith like this or Quranic quotes dealing with human behavior, we never stop to think that our children and family members are also our fellow human beings and that these golden rules must also be applied to them.
Compassion is only one component of the concept of mercy (rahma) — the others being kindness, respect, and of course love. Remember the displeasure of Prophet Muhammad when a Bedouin told him how he had never kissed any of his ten children.
The Prophet has related that Allah says “Oh My servant. I look on high handedness as something not permissible for myself, and I have forbidden it for you. So do not oppress each other”.
When we consult with each other in the domestic realm, both husband and wife must show respect for each other. This is one of the best ways to bond and to learn to listen to each other and to resolve conflicts. However, the consultation will only be fruitful if it is sincere and not merely a formality. Imposition of one’s ideas with scant regard to the welfare of the whole family unit defeats the purpose of the most important Quranic principle of Shura.
This concept of cooperation in Islam is most beautifully illustrated in Sura Al-Asr: “… counsel each other to the truth (Haq), and counsel each other to patience and fortitude (Sabr)” Quran: Chapter 103.
When a family unit cooperates in this manner, they truly capture the spirit of Islam — the welfare of each member of the family becomes the concern of the other.
It is extremely important that our families commit themselves as a unit to Allah and His Prophet SAAW: “Obey Allah and His Prophet and those in authority over you” (Sura Nisa – Quran: Chapter 4, Verse 59). This collective commitment gives us an identity and maps out our purpose — namely that we all belong to Allah and are accountable and responsible to Him.
Communication is more than talking. It is an essential part of family life. It is both talking in a manner in which others can understand you, and hearing in a manner in which you can listen and understand others.
So many times people claim that they have no communication problem since they are always talking. However, the majority of the time they are talking “at” and not talking “to”. This mode usually results in the recipient tuning out. Many children at an early age learn to tune out their parents.
When communication is a means to listening, understanding, and exchanging ideas, it is the most powerful tool to effective parenting and the best shield against peer and societal pressures.
It also teaches children skills to problem solving. An important component of positive communication is a sense of humor where parents and children can laugh together. Communication can also be instrumental in passing down family history and thus creating oneness and togetherness by sharing a mutual heritage (children love to hear family stories).
Effective parenting requires that we are consistent in our value judgments, discipline, and moral standards. Many parents inadvertently apply double standards to boys and girls when it comes to social behavior and domestic chores. This is unacceptable, and leads to sibling rivalry and stereotypical males and females.
Family is with whom we can feel safe and secure, where we know our secrets are safe and where there is mutual trust. Unfortunately, parents often betray the trust of their children. For example when children discuss their concerns and confide in their parents and the parents turn around and discuss these concerns with their friends. This leads to mistrust, and sooner or later our children will stop confiding in us. This may lead them to find confidants outside the family, usually peers who lack maturity or may not share Islamic values, and this can be detrimental to their spiritual and moral growth.
The greatest gift we can give our children is that of contentment. This can be developed very early in life by encouraging our children to give thanks to Allah SWT for all they have and by discouraging materialism in word and by our own example. One way is to encourage children to count their blessings every night and remembering the less fortunate.
It is the duty of parents to build confidence in their children through encouragement and honest and sincere praise. By developing confidence, we give our children the courage to stand up for themselves and their beliefs and to be able to deal with opposition.
By teaching restraint and avoiding excess we develop in our children control so that they do not become slaves to their desires (Nafs).
By encouraging and showing calm in matters of adversity and in times of panic we improve our taqwa, (God consciousness), and teach our children to rely on Allah and to turn to Allah alone for all their needs.
Courage of conviction can only be achieved when we have been able to teach our children the spirit of Islam. We should take advantage of every learning opportunity as a family so that our faith (Iman) flourishes and evolves towards Ihsan as a family unit. In this manner we can be a source of strength for each other.
The Quran encourages us over and over again to think, reflect, ponder, understand and analyze. However, we very rarely do. Parents must encourage children to ask questions. Usually our response to difficult inquiries from our children is to say “do it because I said so”. This discourages the children from developing critical thinking. They become lazy and complacent and easy prey to cult type following. To take things at face value makes them vulnerable.
The most important attitude of a Muslim personality is to be charitable and forgiving. Prophet Muhammad stated, “do you wish that Allah should forgive you? Then forgive your brothers and sisters”. Many relationships break because people are not able to forgive each other. It is important that parents make up in front of their children by forgiving each other after an argument. Prophet Muhammad stated, “like for your brother what you like for yourself”. So if husband and wife expect respect from each other they should also give respect to each other.
A charitable nature also encourages us to overlook people’s shortcomings and to be sensitive and to have empathy.
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