Imad is 16 years old. He is an average high school student. He lives with his parents and his older brother Mohsen. He spends a lot of time sitting at his computer. Whenever his parents invite him to go to a community activity, he declines their invitation and says, “I don’t enjoy going there.”

One night, Imad’s dad came home early in the evening, which rarely happens because he usually stays late at work. When the mother called everybody down for dinner, Imad answered, “I’ll eat later, I’m busy right now.”

                        The dad was hurt and said, “Here I am, coming home early to have dinner as a family, leaving tons of work behind, and your son is too busy for me!”

                        One night, Imad’s mom told him that Ahmad from the community youth group called to inform him that there will be a soccer game on the weekend and asked if he wanted to play. Imad nodded in agreement.

                        On Saturday, Imad’s mom went to his room to remind him about the game and found him on his computer. “Are you still sitting in front of your computer?” she asked,  “Haven’t you gotten tired of talking to a machine yet? You’re going to be late for the game, hurry up and get ready.”

                        “I’m not going,” Imad replied, “I don’t know anybody there.”

                        “Go to the game Imad,” his mom said, “you will meet other young people and get to know them.”

                        Imad looked up and said, ”You don’t understand how it feels when you don’t have any friends. Chat rooms are better. At least I have Mona to talk to. She understands me.”

                        The mother was shocked and said, ”What’s the matter with you, Imad? Are you spending all this time in front of the computer talking to girl instead of going out and making real friends?”

                        “So what’s wrong with that,” Imad answered, “I don’t even meet with her.”

 

Questions

1. Judging from the case, do you think the way Imad spends his time will help him to have a balanced personality and enable him to build the social skills needed for a healthy life?

2. In your opinion, why doesn’t Imad want to attend the soccer game or to participate in the community youth group activities?

3. What are the benefits and harms of spending a long time in front of the computer? Do you think there is a big difference between this and spending long hours watching TV?

4. Imad didn’t rush down to have dinner with the family when his dad came home early. Why do you think he stayed upstairs? What do you think of the dad’s reaction when Imad didn’t come down?

5. Imad thought that he wasn’t doing anything wrong by talking to Mona through the chat room. What do you think?

6. For a 16 year old, the need to be understood is very important. What could the family do to make sure that this need is fulfilled in a proper way?

7. Suggest some practical ways for the family to help Imad changes his computer habits.

 

Analysis of “The internet Dilemma”

  • Judging from the case, do you think the way Imad spends his time will help him to have a balanced personality and enable him to build the social skills needed for a healthy life? Imad is isolating himself from interacting with real people by refusing to attend youth activities and family get-togethers. He spends the majority of his time in a chat room, which will not help him to develop the social skills needed in real life situation. For a person to have a balanced personality, he needs to develop in many different aspects: spiritually, emotionally, psychologically, intellectually and physically. He needs to have the appropriate amount of interaction in all these areas. Imad is only concentrating on one aspect of his personality, his need to socialize, and he is doing it in a very limited way by spending so much time in chat rooms. To truly develop the social aspect of his personality, Imad must socialize in real life settings. This means going out, meeting people, and taking the risk of rejection when trying to make friends. Since Imad was too afraid to take this risk, he spent time in front of his computer instead, however, he still needed to fulfill his need to communicate and so once he discovered the chat rooms, he delved right in. This kind of socialization is very limited and will not teach Imad about how to deal with people.
  • In your opinion, why doesn’t Imad want to attend the soccer game or to participate in the community youth group activities? It is likely that when Imad goes to such activities, he finds out that most of the youth there already know each other and have already formed their groups of friends. This makes it hard for him since he is new to the group. Unless the group really makes him feel welcome, it will be difficult for him to take the initiative and join in. It is also possible that Imad is not confident in his athletic ability. If he feels that he is not good at sports then he won’t want to meet people while playing sports. He will likely feel self-conscious and worried that people won’t want him on their team because he will only bring them down.
  • What are the benefits and harms of spending a long time in front of the computer? Do you think there is a big difference between this and spending long hours watching TV? Spending a long time in front of computer for reasons other than studying or conducting useful research is not advisable. Though there are some benefits such as becoming very skilled and efficient at maneuvering through the Internet, the drawbacks far outweigh the benefits. Firstly, all the time Imad spends in front of the computer is taking away from time he could spend in other, more useful activities. In short, it is waste of time. Another drawback is that the Internet is laden with moral garbage and it is very easy to run into all sorts of harmful things on the Internet. The more time he spends on the computer, the more likely he is to view the harmful and negative things. Of course, the computer screen also emits rays that are harmful to the eyes. Another potential drawback to spending long hours in front of the computer is that he can become socially isolated and accept this as a natural way to live. This is just to name a few possibilities and is by no mean an exhaustive list of the effects of time spent on the Internet. As for the difference between sitting in front of the computer or watching TV, the main difference is that some activities on the computer require the user to not be as passive as he would be if he had been watching TV, but parents should be aware that much of what was available on TV has become available through the internet now. Music videos, songs, lyrics, interviews with rock stars and actors can all be watched, heard, and read on the Internet. Furthermore, these are all more convenient through the computer than the TV because the user can access them these at his own convenience and is not restricted by the time that they are available, as he would be with TV.
  • Imad didn’t rush down to have dinner with the family when his dad came home early. Why do you think he stayed upstairs? What do you think of the dad’s reaction when Imad didn’t come down? Because the father is rarely home, the relationship between him and Imad is not strong at all. If Imad doesn’t have a strong bond with his father, it’s normal that he wouldn’t rush down to greet him. Since the father doesn’t go out of his way to spend time with his teenage son, the son doesn’t go out of his way to spend time with the father either. Why would Imad make time for his father if his father doesn’t make time for him? The dad’s reaction was also very negative. Though the father may not mean it, the phrase that he used when describing Imad to his mother, saying, “your son is too busy for me!” has plenty of harmful implications. First of all, when he refers to Imad as the mother’s son this implies a sense of disowning towards his own son. It is very hurtful for any child to hear his parents refer to him as somebody else’s son, even if that person is his other parent. The other implication of this reference is that Imad’s father is blaming the mother entirely for Imad’s behavior and is not taking any responsibility for Imad’s actions himself.
  • Imad thought that he wasn’t doing anything wrong by talking to Mona through the chat room. What do you think? Although the chat room is not a physical room and people are not physically in one place, that doesn’t make it a good place to communicate without worries or regulations. There are Islamic rules and regulations that should be followed whenever there is a need for communication between the two genders. Chat rooms, e-mail messages, and private messaging over the internet are all modern ways of communication which should follow the same Islamic regulations that are appropriate for the intended purpose.  So Imad’s idea that nothing is wrong with him spending hours talking to Mona over the Internet is clearly wrong.  He shouldn’t do that, as they have no legitimate reason to spend that time together.
  • For a 16 year old, the need to be understood is very important. What could the family do to make sure that this need is fulfilled in a proper way? The family has a big role to play in order to help a 16 year old feel that he can relate to others and be understood. First, both parents, especially the same gender parent, should take an interest in the teen’s life and devote some time to interacting and listening to him. Parents should listen to his feelings, his concerns, what is troubling him, as well as his interests. When the parent is able to listen and show empathy without jumping to conclusions and passing judgments, he learns a lot about his teen and can usually figure out what is troubling him. Through dialogue, discussion, and compromise, both the parents and the teen can reach a mutual understanding regarding issues and concerns. When teen feels that he can relate to his parents and that they understand his situation, he will come to them with his problems and he will take their advice with lots of consideration instead of going to others who may lead him to do something harmful or foolish.
  • Suggest some practical ways for the family to help Imad changes his computer habits.

 

 To help Imad have the right habits when using the computer:

  1. Place the computer in an area of common use in the home and not in a closed room. For example, it could be placed in the family room or in a general study room.
  2. Help the teen to have the proper Islamic knowledge regarding personal responsibilities for one’s use of his own senses such as eyes, ears and mind. You can quote the verse from Surah Al-Israa’, “Verily the hearing, and the sight, and the heart, of each of those ones will be questioned” (Q 17, V 36).
  3. Help the teen to have proper Islamic knowledge and practices regarding how he spends his time and teach him to take responsibility for his personal growth. You can quote the saying of the prophet PBUH, ”Be keen to gain what would benefit you and seek help from Allah”.
  4. Help the teen to have proper Islamic knowledge and practices regarding regulations related to opposite-gender interaction.

        It is advisable that parents educate themselves regarding these issues. Through constructive interaction, dialogues, discussions, and asking their teen to do some research on the topic at hand, they can all come up with the proper way to deal with any issue. Here is a reminder that the TAQWA of Allah is a must for parents to open the doors of knowledge and wisdom to their children as indicated in Surah Al-Baqarah,

“…وَاتَّقُواْ اللّهَ وَيُعَلِّمُكُمُ اللّهُ …”

“ … So have TAQWA towards Allah and Allah teaches you” (Q 2, V 282)   

 

 

I feel like we are growing apart

Zahida and Tarek have been married for four years and they have a son, Ali, who is one year old.  Zahida is very concerned about her family, she feels that her relationship with Tarek is not at the level where it should be.  Zahida feels that her and her husband are growing apart.

Before Zahida and Tarek got married, they spent a lot of time planning their life.  They discussed their priorities and agreed that they will share their lives together.  They both promised themselves that they wouldn’t let “it” happen to them.  They never wanted to turn into “the two strangers living under the same roof with a bunch of kids”.

Since they got married, both Zahida and Tarek have been very busy and under a lot of pressure. Tarek has been working long hours to prove himself at work, while Zahida has been studying hard to get her college degree.  They did not have much spare time, but with the little spare time they had, Tarek always wanted to spend it quietly with his wife at home or go on the internet, while Zahida desired to spend it going out on a walk or taking a hike at the park.  Whichever way they ended up spending the time, one of them was always unsatisfied and displeased.

One year ago, Allah SWT blessed the couple with baby Ali. Zahida and Tarek were very happy to be blessed with Ali and are doing their best to take good care of him, which requires lots of time, particularly from Zahida

Tarek complains that even after Ali goes to bed, Zahida talks about him and nothing else and that this is beginning to annoy him very much. Tarek feels that as a couple they don’t know how to talk about anything but AliTarek tried a few times, without success, to try to get Zahida to talk about other subjects saying “Zahida, do you notice that all you ever talk about is Ali”?   On the other hand, Zahida complains that Tarek doesn’t put enough effort into sharing in the activities she enjoys.  She says that other than eating and sleeping, they do nothing together.

 

Questions:

  • Is this a common problem
  • Is this a serious problem
  • What do you think the cause of the problem is?
  • Tarek and Zahida made a promise to themselves before they got married. What can they do to fulfill this promise?
  • Do you know of a similar situation?

 

Analysis of “I feel like we are growing apart”

1. Is this a common problem?

Yes it is a common problem, especially in the first few years of marriage.

 

2. Is this a serious problem?

We believe it is a serious problem because it affects the feelings of each one of them toward the other. Usually each spouse is left with the impression that the other spouse doesn’t care about his/her feelings and needs. This becomes a vicious cycle that creates a huge gap between the couple.

 

3. What do you think the cause of the problem is?

The cause of this problem can be summarized in the following:

  • Both Tarek and Zahidah consider their own needs to be the most important to them and don’t consider the needs of the other spouse as legitimate or as important as their own needs.
  • The expectations of Tarek from his wife and the expectations of Zahidah from her husband were never discussed in detail or mutually agreed upon. Each one of them has certain expectations from the other but has never communicated these expectations clearly to their partner.

 

4. Tarek and Zahidah made a promise to themselves before they got married. What can they do to fulfill this promise?

Most probably, Tarek and Zahidah have seen a model of “the two strangers living under the same roof” and they didn’t like it, and that is why they made this promise before marriage. However, sometimes things are easier said than done. It is not enough just to theoretically believe in something. It takes effort, hard work, self-discipline, and a strong will to change oneself. But above all, it takes an open minded attitude. Both Tarek and Zahidah may agree on the principle that it is important to compromise, but when it is actually time to compromise and sacrifice one’s preference, s/he doesn’t feel like doing this, and thinks that it is not fair, and that her/his need is more important. They get into the attitude of “if he/she really loves me, he/she will do it for me”

 

Before we discuss what both of them can do together to fulfill their promise, we would like to remind the reader that all the ingredients of a successful marriage we mentioned in chapter four as well as throughout this book will certainly help make things easier.

 

Let us now see what both can do together to fulfill their promise:

  • Be indispensable; Both Tarek and Zahidah may like to consider making themselves indispensable to each other. There is a great benefit for this. It cements and bonds the two spouses together at an emotional level, as the memories they have about the time they spend together are highlighted by a feeling of comfort, satisfaction, and joy. Each of them would feel that the best time they ever had is when they are around each other. If Tarek is away on a business trip, Zahidah would really miss him and would be eager for him to come back. If Zahidah is away visiting her parents, Tarek would be counting the days, eagerly awaiting her arrival.
  • Learn to compromise in a graceful way; Compromise is a basic requirement for the success of any relationship. A spouse, who puts his/her partner’s need ahead of his/her own, is sending a strong message of love, consideration, and sincerity. No message could be more powerful than this, even gifts or a thousand “I love you” notes. On the same token, a return of the compromise by taking turns in putting the other spouses’ desires first is an assuring message that the love is mutual. If the same spouse keeps giving in to her/his partner’s need and, hence, keeps putting off his/her own needs, they will end up feeling rejected and uncared for. He/she will feel like all his/her partner cares about is the service he/she provides, not he/she personally. No matter how many times they hear, “I love you”, they won’t believe it; it will sound phony to them. At this point, he/she will begin to feel resentment and question whether he/she should compromise at all. He/she will also start taking a new stand on the way he/she deals with his/her spouse.

Whenever spouses compromise, they need to do it in a graceful way and with willingness and acceptance, otherwise, it doesn’t carry a loving message.

  • Keep in touch; It is very important that the two spouses keep in touch at an emotional level, such that each one of them is assured that her/his partner still strongly loves and cares for her/him. In a busy life such as that of our times, people are always living under pressure. Tarek and Zahidah need to get away from the every day routine, and spend a little time, just the two of them. They can arrange to leave the baby with a family member or a friend. Going for a walk twice a week, lunch or dinner in a restaurant once every couple of months, or a picnic at the park for an afternoon, will help them stay in touch. Such outings will give them an opportunity to listen to each other’s concerns, exchange ideas, and brainstorm solutions to the issues occupying their minds. This requires willingness from both of them. Also, Zahidah should talk to Tarek about how she feels. This will help the relationship stay on the right track as long as it is done in a caring way and not a blaming way. Tarek and Zahidah should also consider reading a book together or following up on each other’s Qur’anic memorization, even if it is just couple of verses a week.
  • Keep the romance alive; To enrich their relationship and stop it from turning into a dry mechanical one, Zahidah and Tarek should do their own little things to keep the romance alive. Writing notes of kind words and buying each other little gifts is one way to do it. Also doing something special for one another is a great idea; for example, Zahidah could prepare Tarek’s favourite meal, and Tarek could prepare breakfast in bed for Zahidah every now and then.
  • Maximize efforts and time; Tarek and Zahidah need to learn to be more efficient and organized. This can save them a lot of effort and allow the couple to have some free time. Preparing simple meals rather than complicated ones, and considering cooking enough for two to three days at once may be a good idea for their purposes.
  • Be patient and allow room for adjustment; Both Tarek and Zahidah need to allow each other some room while adjusting to the new perspective of looking at things. They need to overlook any behaviour that might look too withdrawn or resentful and give the other spouse enough time and room to adjust and accept the new situation.

 

Can you relate to this problem or know of a similar situation? Comment below and let us know!

 

I’d just like to be able to come home to a quiet house and relax

Kareema and Ahmed have been married for about a year. Kareema moved from another city to Ahmed’s city after the wedding and is studying for her Master’s degree, while Ahmed works full time. Ahmed has always been very involved in Islamic activities in his city. Kareema used to be very involved in Islamic activities in her old town, but has found that there aren’t any activities for sisters here. She has looked for sisters’ halaqas (study circles) or public lectures at university and at the mosque but can’t find anything. Kareema is starting to feel depressed about this and brings up the problem with some other sisters she has met at university. She’s happy to find a few sisters who are interested in starting a halaqa with her, but unfortunately, they all live in different parts of the city and Kareema is the only one who lives in a central location that is easy to get to. Together, the girls discuss their schedules and find that the only possible times they are all available to meet is either Tuesday or Thursday night. Kareema tells the other girls she’ll check with her husband about using their apartment for their halaqa, and if not, they can always try to book a room on a weekly basis at the university.

That night, over dinner, Kareema tells Ahmed about the halaqa idea excitedly, but Ahmed doesn’t look happy about it. “I don’t know, Kareema,” he says, “I’m already so tired when I get home from work. I don’t think I could stay out later on a week night.”
“It’s okay,” Kareema answers. “You can come home and just go to our bedroom or the study. We’ll just be in the living room.”
Ahmed shakes his head. “It’ll be too noisy. Honestly, I’d just like to be able to come home to a quiet house and relax.”
Kareema tells Ahmed that the other possible location is on campus, but asks him if he can pick her up after the halaqa, since the bus from university to their building doesn’t run past 8 p.m. and she doesn’t drive. Ahmed tells her that he’d be too tired to come get her, and that he’d really rather they found a time during the day to do the halaqa, and then she could do it on campus or at their place. Kareema explains that a lot of the sisters study full time and wouldn’t be able to make it during the day, and that this is really important to her, but Ahmed says it’s just too hard, and that maybe next semester the schedules will work out and she’ll be able to start a halaqa during the day.

“I can’t honey. I’m just too tired after working all day.”

 

Why this use of Qawamah is inappropriate

  • Ahmed isn’t considering Kareema’s needs to socialize and gain knowledge with sisters
  • It is the responsibility of the husband to provide the means for his family members to be educated, particularly in matters of religion
  • The compromise Ahmed would have to make (ie going to their bedroom or the study one night a week while the women hold the halaqa in the living room) is really not unreasonable at all and is a very small price to pay to help his wife fulfill her social/educational needs.

 

Laiyla and Lotfi have been married for 9 months. As the couple married young, Laiyla is still finishing her undergraduate degree. One evening, Laiyla has to go to her university campus for an important group meeting for one of her course projects. Laiyla takes the metro to campus and attends the meeting with the rest of her group at the university library.

The meeting runs a little late and Laiyla finds that it is almost 10:45pm by the time they are done the meeting. She calls Lotfi on his cell phone to find that he is still at his office, working late. Lotfi tells her to wait for him in the library and that he will come pick her up once he is finished sending an important email to a client. Laiyla replies that if she heads out now and takes the metro home it will only take her 20 minutes and she will be home before he’s even finished the email.

She explains to him that they’ve both had a long day and that it would be easier for both of them if she just took the metro home instead of having to wait for him and have him make the trip all the way down to her campus from his office and then go back home. But Lotfi insists that it’s not safe for her to take the metro at this hour alone and asks her to please just wait for him to come pick her up. “I know you’re tired dear, but it’s better to be safe than sorry. Maybe you could read a book until I come.”

Laiyla agrees to wait for him and decides to check her email in the library until he comes.

 

Why this use of Qawamah is appropriate

  •  Lotfi’s request that Laiyla not take public transportation at 11pm is reasonable because many big cities’ public transportation and metro systems aren’t very safe at that hour, and Lotfi is in charge of protecting Laiyla’s safety.
  • Even though what Lofti did required sacrifice from him  and extra time and effort, he did the right thing because it is part of his duty as a husband to look out for the well-being of his wife and be concerned about her security
  • Lotfi offers Laiyla an alternative solution to her idea which is that he will come and pick her up, which will only mean that she will have to wait on campus for a little while longer.

Bouncing on the bed/Playing Inside

 

Hasan is a two and half year old happy boy who lives with his parents and his four-year old brother Saleh. They live in a two bedroom apartment in a large apartment building. Hasan likes to jump and run around the apartment a lot which often gets his mom  annoyed and makes her yell at him. One day while Hasan and Saleh  are running after each other, playing and laughing, they break a vase on the coffee table. Their Mom comes rushing in shouting: “Look what you’ve just done, you naughty boys!” She slaps each one of them on the back of their hands five times and shouts: “Go to your room, I don’t want to see you, don’t come out till your father comes home.”

 

Questions

  1. Was the mother realistic in expecting that the two children could play quietly all day long without jumping and running around?
  2. Was there anything that the mother could have done to prevent this accident?
  3. Was the mother’s reaction to the accident appropriate? Did the children learn anything from this?
  4. Was the mother fair in sending the children to their room for several hours as a punishment for such a mistake?

 

Analysis of “Bouncing on the bed/Playing Inside”

Parents need to set clear, precise rules and be consistent in applying them. This will enable children to be comfortable behaving within these boundries. 

  1. The mother was not realistic in expecting that the two children could play quietly all day long without jumping and running around. It a basic need for children of that age to jump and run around. A child at this age can play quietly or read for only a limited time, after which he needs to exercise his muscles through running and jumping. Forcing the child to sit quietly all time will not help in the healthy growth of the child.
  2. The mother could have done the following to prevent this accident:
  3. Take the children out regularly to either a park or for a walk to give them the opportunity to jump and run around.;
  4. Take the necessary steps to ensure that the apartment or house is child proof; for example, remove all dangerous, breakable, and valuable objects out of reach of the children.
  5. Set up a place where children can jump freely and safely within the home, for example an old mattress on the floor of one of the rooms.
  6. The mother’s reaction towards the children was out of anger and frustration. Yelling and shouting at the children is not a proper behaviour. Instead, she could have explained to them why it is not safe to run around the house and get them to help her in cleaning the mess.
  7. Sending the children to their room for several hours as a punishment for such a mistake is not fair. Parents should control their anger and not over react. Instead take a couple of minutes to make Ziker to cool off and decide on the proper reaction, then talk to the children accordingly.